I remember 5 months ago sitting in an oversized ballroom at Sheraton hotel in Philadelphia at the event Peace Corps refers to as ‘staging’ and being asked the question ‘Why Peace Corps?’. We all were thinking and saying things like- ‘I want to live abroad for 2 years’, ‘I want to learn a new language’, ‘I need someone to give me development experience’, ‘I want to spice up my resume’, ‘I want to save the world’. Being in this room with this eclectic group of individuals and having undergone the many activities I had that day, I was in a particularly patriotic mood. I raised my hand and posited that we all might believe that America is an amazing country in theory, that we might at certain times be proud to be an American, and that we might (gasp) want to serve our country but not agree with contemporary foreign policy decisions, further, we might actually want to work towards creating a corner of the world that does not think America represents all things capitalist, imperialist, hypocritical and tyrannical. This has little to do with my main decision to join, but I was feeling every word at the moment.
Every Peace Corps Volunteer receives a subscription to Newsweek (I DESPISE their journalism but it at least keeps me up with some stuff in the world). Usually I read them front to back reading fluff about Sarkozy’s approval ratings with European leaders, or the new cultural centers of Qatar. I read every article-except those about Iraq, and for those of you who pick up this worthless weekly publication, you know that such articles comprise about a third of the magazine. I didn’t really realize I was doing it until today. Today, while on a matatu to Sagalla, I looked at the article (on Iraq), and had a debate in my head on whether to read it. Finally the voice screaming, “You should know of the destruction your country is imposing on others, Do you think antiwar protestors during Vietnam didn’t read the news because it depressed them too much?! Saddle up!” won. So I did. About halfway through the article I had another realization-the world didn’t stop because I came to Kenya. Horrible things didn’t stop happening in the name of justice, imperfect capitalism didn’t stop oppressing, people didn’t stop dying, poverty didn’t stop killing. I think I felt that because I wasn’t screaming at the top of my lungs about divestment and peace keepers for Darfur, fasting for peace, hosting vigils, writing press releases and opinion pieces that this had all stopped. That Darfur was getting better. That we cease to be bombing the shit outta Iraq and that numerous civil wars are not raging because of us. Maybe Palestine and Israel actually worked things out. Well, ill tell you. Its not true. I’ve finally had some internet time to do some real reading of international news(not NW) and our world is worse than ever. I feel that claustrophobic panicky feeling rising up in my chest and beginning to take over my entire body. That emotion I thought I was escaping when I got on the plane to Kenya.
I receive many emails and letters telling me that people are proud/impressed/inspired by me. While its nice to hear, and I’m happy to give someone some inspiration, you really shouldn’t feel all of these things. I’m a bit of a fraud(to be dramatic). I’m running away. Well I thought I ran away. I was fleeing this helpless state of living in a country perpetuating so many problems. I thought that being here, by choosing to leave that country, by giving up all things excessive and comfortable- that I could wash my hands of that tension and sorrow. That contributing to the improvement of peoples lives abroad would alleviate my guilt. Not true. All it does is create a bubble where it is easier to ignore all of these things (making me more typical American ehh?). Being here I have begun to realize more than ever how American I really am, I cannot divorce myself from that fact. No matter where I run, I’m still American, my country is still doing so much to harm and so little to help. For me, its truly maddening.
2 comments:
I'm reminded of a quote, which I can't find right now, which states something along the lines of "the only thing worse than perpetrating evil is standing idly by while it happens." You certainly have not done this. We cannot all be warriors for every atrocity that is occurring. You may have left previous causes, but you have picked up new ones by going to Kenya, ones with the very same roots - ones that need addressing.
Maybe it feels easier, but that doesn't mean you are doing less. I've thought a lot about things like this recently. The path to the best future is not always forward. Do we allow steps backward now in order to make a better future? Do we have the right to make these decisions? I think we must. I'll admit, I don't usually believe it when it applies to me because I don't trust myself with these things, but I think it's true.
You've made the same decisions. You are in a part of your life where your course may not involve such direct action in fixing the problems we face, but you are doing three very important things. You are helping people directly. You are helping to remedy the injustices that put us in our position of fortune and much of the world in poverty. And finally, you are learning so that in the future you may better fight for the causes you believe in. Maybe it feels better now, and maybe the fight will feel better in the future because of it, but there is no shame in that.
I know you know all of this - I just think it helps to hear someone say it.
Well said Nick.
Rachel, I know that gut wrenching feeling of powerlessness that you feel over the war... I get the same feeling when I start thinking about the destruction of the rain forests, melting of the glaciers, and the near extinction of the Tigers and other beautiful species. And I feel guilty for not doing anything about it. Sure, I recycle and only ask for paper bags at the grocery store to avoid the use of environment killing plastic, and I donate to environmental causes and the SPCA, all in an effort to rid myself of the guilt of not having the power to do more. Do those things work? No. I always feel like I could do more, but I'm afraid because in order to do more, I would have to give up so much... you my friend, have done what I am not brave enough to do - you threw down everything, got on a plane, and are doing something real to help others. And though you feel like you are hiding from the "real world," you are doing something by being in Kenya. And when your 2 years in Kenya are up, I see you moving forward to bigger things - bigger causes. This is just your first building block. Knowing that may not necessarily relieve that gut wrenching feeling, but it should help to quiet it until the time comes when you can take your next building block step.
I hope this made sense. :)
P.S. I didn't send your halloween candy yet. I'm such a bad girl! I need to talk to your mom about getting it included in her next care package. Just know I'm still thinking about you, damn near every day!
Post a Comment